


Faith

by Cherrie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, Coming Out, F/F, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-25 00:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20714822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrie/pseuds/Cherrie
Summary: No really. Why is everyone so obsessed with sex?or.Louis has to come out. Again. And then he has to learn that he does not need to be fixed.





	Faith

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer. it's not a first person narrative but it is written from Louis' perspective. So he may say some things that are not politically correct or even correct at all. Because he struggles like many of us with his identity. and fighting against it sometimes is not gentle at all. 
> 
> So…. please be gentle with me with this one.
> 
> This is inspired by Sleeping at Last cover of song Faith by George Michael because that is one hell of asexual song.

Nick finished with a loud groan while Louis was moving furiously to get himself there. It was a race to reach an orgasm and as soon as it washed him with relief he was left feeling empty. 

He held Nick close since his eyes started to water again, and he had no idea when crying after sex had become a thing.

Nick tucked his head under Louis’ jaw and kissed him on the neck and it took everything in Louis not to push him away. 

He kissed his hair in silent apology even though Nick didn’t even know that Louis should apologize. Hell Louis himself didn’t know if he should apologize.

He made himself stay in bed for few minutes while their breath calmed down and he hated himself when he kissed Nick’s cheek and stood up few minutes later cause he just couldn’t wait to get away from him. 

He raced to the bathroom and shared a pointed glance with his mirror reflection. He shuddered, as he cleaned himself up, at the memory of how he was touched merely seconds ago. God, it shouldn’t be like that.

He took a flannel back to his boyfriend and threw it at him trying to play it off as playful. He knew it wasn’t. There had been days when he would clean his lover up with his tongue.

It was a long time ago.

‘Get yourself together man’’ he teased and even was proud how it was not possible to tell that his throat was closing up.

‘Well I can’t.’ Nick's murmured softly his hazel eyes lighting up ‘I just made love to the most beautiful man in the world’ he added softly and stood up on his knees to snatch Louis on his waist and kiss his face with a loud smack that made Louis giggle.

‘Get off me you twat’ he laughed while hugging Nick closely and kissing his cheek again. ‘I love you’ he said forcefully needing to remind himself and Nick of that. He loved him. He truly did, and he had no idea what was wrong. 

‘I love you too, love’ Nick whispered nuzzling at Louis’ neck ‘I missed you’ he added as an afterthought and they both knew what he meant.

Especially since there was no physical distance between them. No, they still lived in each other pockets, they still cuddled all the time and Nick still stayed over most nights of the week. He missed this. Missed having Louis closer than that. Missed having sex with him since Louis didn’t let him for six months now. And Nick has been understanding, he hasn’t said a word, didn’t push Louis to talk about it or do something, but Louis was scared everytime they were falling asleep and Nick’s hands have been roaming around his chest and how he could feel Nick getting aroused, he was scared that he’ll have to do something about it this time. They were together for three years they should be having sex, just like they have been having sex at the beginning. He was even more scared everytime he pretended to be asleep when Nick’s touch showed intent or how he rolled to the other side of the bed when he just couldn’t stand the feel of Nick on his ass.

He was scared he was losing him.

So today he gave in. He had a drink before Nick came over and psyched himself up for what was to come. He screwed his eyes shut when Nick responded rather enthusiastically to his kisses and had to remind himself over and over again in his head that he loved this man. He grinded up at Nick desperate to wake up a biological urge in his body that is something quite normal when you rub hard enough in some places.

After that it was a quick rush to orgasm with frantic moves to ensure that Nick would come before him. There was nothing worse than having to keep going after he already came, to have to kiss him and move against him and touch him like he meant it when all he wanted to do was cry.

Now Louis was in the shower and Nick wanted to go in with him but Louis just laughed and joked that he actually planned on cleaning himself and not get dirty. Anything at all to get away from Nick. To get Nick away from naked Louis. He pretty much ran to the bathroom and closed the door after himself jumping in the shower and rubbing himself quickly, still cringing after what happened. 

He wanted to cry. He was biting his lip hard afraid that Nick would hear him but his emotions were all over the place and he just felt awful. He let himself break down a little, knowing that the water would wash it away and he sobbed quietly holding a palm of his hand over his mouth tightly to prevent any sound escaping. He gave himself exactly ten seconds to break down and then took a deep shaky breath and willed himself to stop. He washed his face thoroughly and stepped out of the shower. He put on some pyjamas and came back to bed where Nick was already sitting with a huge smile on his face, wearing a T-shirt and some boxers.

‘Babe do you wanna go to the movies tomorrow?’ Nick asked when Louis jumped in bed with him now, now that they were both clothed he felt safe to snuggle so close that there was no space left between them. He kissed Nick’s neck a few times making the other man giggle and loop an arm around his waist before he answered.

‘Sure. What do you want to see?’ he asked his voice muffled a bit on Nick’s chest.

‘Well new Avengers are in’ Nick smiled kissing the top of Louis’ head.

‘You know me so well baby’ Louis smiled ‘Buy the tickets’

‘Mhm’ Nick murmured clicking away on his phone ‘Aaaand…. Done!’ he exclaimed ‘I’ll pick you up from work tomorrow? You’ll be finished by five right?’

‘Make it five thirty? When’s the movie?’ Louis asked.

‘8 pm. We could get dinner before?’ Nick asked when Louis sat up to get his own phone. If they were seeing Avengers there was no way Zayn wouldn’t want to go with, so he thought that they could do a double date with him and Niall.

‘Sure babe, let me just ask Zayn if he and Niall want to tag along, are there some seats left next to us for the movie?’ he asked typing on his phone a message to Zayn. From what he remembered Niall was back in London from his mini tour but he should ask. He didn’t have time to finish the text before Nick was plucking the phone from his hands.

‘Babe I already texted Z. They’re in. I bought four tickets’ Nick smiled condescendingly and Louis’ heart felt like it was going to burst he just shook his head with tears coming to his eyes and squeezed Nick tightly like he tried to physically melt them together.

‘I love you so much’ he said again, this time not trying to proove or overcompensate for anything, just needing to spit it out because he physically couldn’t contain this feeling. 

‘I love you too’ Nick said back his eyes shining with happiness, his smile blinding.

At that moment everything in Louis’ life was perfect. At that one moment when he could forget for a second about how he couldn’t stand to be touched anymore everything was perfect, and he would do anything to keep it the way it was, even if it meant fooling himself into thinking that he could keep it up. That he could just grind his teeth and have sex with Nick once in a while to keep this illusion of everything being perfect.

Louis was nothing if not persistent.

Which is why when he was sitting at his house next evening he was pretty set on pretending that everything was okay. His hands were tingling to open his laptop and just look for some answers but he would be damned if he lets machines win.

To top it off Louis’ laptop was mocking him. It was sitting there all silver and stoic and was laughing at Louis’ distress. I mean it’s not like he didn’t recognize that what he was about to do was stupid. He knew. Mostly because his twelve year old self used to google ‘Am I gay’ on daily basis hoping for some test that would be able to verify that fact for him, as if his noticable collection of David Beckhams' posters wasn't enough of an answear. He wasn't even into football.

Finally he conceded. He sat by his desk, took a deep breath and typed ‘I don’t enjoy sex with my boyfriend’ in a google search bars. Then he rolled his eyes at the first results. He was surprised to see how many articles there were with that exact statement but when he read through them briefly he knew that’s not any of his issues- he wasn’t stressed or depressed, he also was not doing it wrong. He scrolled angrily ignoring all the Glamour articles about new sex positions or about how to find a women’s G spot- he’s not a girl but thanks for heteronormativity I guess.

He scrolled down some more, moving to the tenth page in the act of desperation, almost ready to give up as he saw a second hundred article about ‘spicing things up!’ or ‘don’t give up on yourself as a sexual being!’ when finally something caught his eye. He clicked on the link that transported him to a blog. The first thing he read was a big title ‘I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend.' Closely followed by 'And I don’t fucking have to.' and Louis was left staring at the page in wonder.

The world stopped.

‘I don’t have to’

He read over those words like they were foreign because… he never counted that as a possibility. He just always assumed that there was something wrong with him that needed fixing but… there is someone out there who says that it’s not the case.

The sudden flood of relief inside him was enough to take his breath away.

He rubbed his eyes and started to read.

After fifteen minutes he was finished and he was staring at the page his hands shaking and his eyes watering. He… he had been dancing around the subject in his head for months. Way too afraid to say it out loud or even to himself because he didn’t want to lose Nick. God help him, he didn’t want to lose him.

But.

How long will he be able to keep it up until he hates Nick? How many times he will be able to do something despite himself before resenting Nick for it?

In the article the girl was writing about a situation pretty similar to what Louis was going through. She loved her boyfriend, but after a while a thought of him, or anyone really touching her was making her cringe all over her body. She did the same thing as Louis did, which was to ignore the issue, then she did the same thing as Louis did which was to go to the doctor to check whether it wasn’t medical. Then the girl, which is were the similarities stopped went to the psychologist trying to figure out whether this sudden revulsion with sex had anything to do with the fact that she was a victim of a sexual abuse as a child, and after months of therapy she had to come to the terms with one simple fact- she was asexual.

Louis was staring at the word quietly trying it on himself. He heard the word before, but frankly he never heard it in this context. He usually heard it when people were describing his best friend. He thought Zayn used it on him once, when some people where accusing them at the party of being together when they were in uni, that’s what Zayn said then ‘Louis? Please, we’ve been friends ever since we were three years old, he’s completely asexual to me’. 

Then Louis tried to think about his sexual experiences. He was hardly a prude in uni, so how could he not like sex all of the sudden? But the longer he thought about it he realised… he never needed to have sex. Before he met Nick all of his encounters were during a party when he was slightly buzzed and someone started to chat him up. With a drink or two it was easy to wake up his biological reaction, but he never felt about sex the same way as other people did. When his friends were saying ‘God, I need to get laid’ he never felt that. He had no idea how it was to crave having sex. He always thought that it was because he never loved any of those people. 

But Nick? He loved NIck, and when they started they had sex constantly. Louis was turning around all of those first months in his head and he felt his eyes water when he noticed one pattern to all of their interactions. Louis was trying to please Nick. He was trying to prove to himself that he was a great boyfriend which was why he was pushing himself to be available in bed at all times. Not that Nick pushed him to! No, because he was genuinely a good man but Louis had a lot of his own underlying issues about his own self esteem and toppling on top of that what he read on the internet about himself when he and Nick- a semi famous radio dj- got spotted together for the first time, he thought that he had something to prove, he thought that he had to prove to everyone that he deserved Nick. 

Well, fuck. 

Louis only did two semesters of psychology in his first year of uni, but that all seemed to make sense now.

The funny thing was- the first thing that he wanted to do was talk to Nick. He was his rock. He was his favourite person and the only one that could make Louis feel safe just by looping his arms around him. 

But what does he tell him? How can he breach the subject without Nick taking that as a blow to his ego? Louis loved him but was acutely aware of his sore spots, and he knew very well Nick will take it as a dig at his appearance.

Part of Louis got angry at that, thinking bitterly that for the second time in his life someone is hijacking his coming out experience. The first time when he came out as gay it was all about his father with his ‘where did I go wrong’s and this time it would be about Nick’s ‘am I not enough’s.

Part of him also acknowledged that he could understand that reaction. If the roles were reversed, would he be able to put himself in the other person's shoes? Because it took him this long to figure this out for his own, even though now when he had a word it seemed so obvious who he was, but Nick was oblivious to everything that was happening with Louis because Louis never bothered to fill him in. He just pushed him away because he was scared and confused.

God this was a mess. 

He cleaned his browser history, paranoid as ever, and went to take a shower. Nick texted him he would come sleep at his place after some fashion show he was meant to attend, and indeed around 1 in the morning he stumbled drunk inside Louis' flat. Louis listened to him drop his keys three times before finally closing the door. He heard him toying of his shoes, and stumbling upon every single item in the hallway on his way to the bedroom. He heard his soft, endearing giggles when he was trying to take off his jeans but had difficulty with doing so due to their tightness. He heard the sigh Nick let out when he got under the covers finally and snuggled closer to Louis, pulling him tight against his chest. And he heard a drunken 'Love you' and a slurred 'Missed you'. 

'I miss you so much. Love you. Love touching you. You never let me anymore.' He mumbled his eyes closed his mouth close to Louis' neck. Before he even finished a sentence he was already snoring. 

He heard all of the things Nick did not say out loud. That he was confused, and scared and those were the last two things Louis wanted the man he loved to feel. 

Well. It was time to tell him. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was literally terrifying. Cheers.


End file.
